Circles and Selfishness
by artemis7337
Summary: A one-shot exploring the young love between Anders and Amell, inspired by the song You're So Vain.  Written for a DAWC challenge.


**This was written for a DAWC challenge: Write a songfic. This story was inspired by You're So Vain, by the wonderful Carly Simon after it attacked me. And for all you Anders fans... don't hurt me!**

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><p>Circles and Selfishness<p>

Marie Amell felt her eyes prick with tears as she saw him stride into the apprentice dormitories once more. What had it been this time? A whipping and a week in the tower dungeons? She wasn't sure how to feel, looking at him after all that. His robes were neat as ever, his hair tied back into a messy ponytail at the nape of his neck. Ever the rebel, an apricot colored scarf was draped around Anders' neck. Marie knew the only reason he had it was that Irving had been kind enough to let him keep it.

Anders glanced in Marie's direction and his face lit up. Marie felt her heart leap in her chest, tentatively raising her fingers in a wave.

"Anders! You're back!" A voice trilled form behind Marie. The elven girl rushed into his arms.

"Surana, I'm sure he knows he's back," Marie said flatly, tempering her words with a smile at Anders. "We're glad you're here, even if you aren't." His brown eyes crinkled at her, but something was wrong… where was the warmth? He pried himself out of Surana's arms.

"Thanks for the warm welcome, but I'm afraid I've got to go write a paper with Enchanter Niall. I'll see you later, yes?" The two girls nodded. With another smile at the two of them, he walked out of the cavernous dormitories.

Surana caught Marie's eyes. "He's not the same," she said in a sweet, sad voice.

Marie sighed and shook her head. "No, he isn't."

~oOo~

It was his sixteenth birthday. Marie had weaseled her way into the kitchens for the day and convinced the cook to part with a few small materials, just a little flour here, some sugar there… by the end of the day, Marie stood in front of an oven with a smear of vanilla frosting across her face and a freshly baked cake in her heavily mittened hands. Anders was going to _love_ it. She hoped.

"It looks _fine,_ dear, but you'd better hurry if you're going to get it up there in time!" Marie grinned at the cook and snatched up the cake before pattering up the stairs.

Anders was sitting in the library drawing in the margins of some priceless, ancient book when Marie found him. She grinned and snuck up behind him.

"Surprise!" He started and whirled in his seat. Marie beamed as she saw his eyes grow big. "I made you a cake," she stated unnecessarily. Anders laughed.

"Thank you, Enchanter Obvious," he teased. Marie set the heavy pan on the table and cut a slice for each of them.

Marie's blue eyes grew serious as she proffered the slice of cake. "Happy birthday, Anders, and many happy returns."

"Marie…" His brown eyes were mesmerizing in their regret. She busied herself with her slice. Slightly calloused fingers brushed against her cheek. "I can't promise anything."

"I just don't want you to get hurt," she whispered, gazing into his eyes again. "I… couldn't bear it." She could feel her heart pounding in her chest as their stare deepened. Marie found her head dipping forward and their lips meeting for the first time and she sighed, wishing that the moment could just last forever and he wouldn't ever need—or want— to leave again. But all too soon the moment was over and his forehead was resting on hers.

"Don't leave again," she pleaded in a whisper. She could feel his minute nod.

"I won't leave you," he promised softly. Marie felt a weight lift off her heart and when they walked back to the dormitories after polishing off the cake, she felt like she had been the one to really receive the birthday present that night. _Take that, Surana_, she thought with a smile, and slipped her hand into Anders'.

~oOo~

In retrospect, Marie supposed it would have been easy to see when Anders was about to snap again, but she'd been too delirious with her young love. Looking back, she remembered all the times when he'd stared up at the distant windows instead of into her eyes, glanced ever more angrily at the templars instead of his textbooks, studied the iron doors leading out of the tower instead of the Enchanters giving the lessons. She'd ignored his increasingly sharp remarks; after all, who wouldn't be cross, stuck in this prison as they were?

It hurt that he ranted about the templars and freedom more often than he spoke to her about _her_ day, _her_ self, _her_ feelings, but she ignored that too. Ever the rebel, that was Anders, and Marie tried her very best to take the good with the bad. Even when the bad made her fear so much for him.

"You need girl time." The voice startled Marie out of the book she'd been engrossed with. She glanced around, smiling at Surana as the girl sprawled across a hard library chair as though it were a chaise lounge. It was so unladylike in contrast with her shimmering platinum curls and sweet green eyes. "I'm serious you know," she continued blithely. "You and Anders are starting to creep me out, with all that lovey-dovey stuff. It's gross."

"Jealous much? Careful, Neria, you might turn green," Marie teased easily. Surana grinned.

"With this complexion? Not a chance," she returned. "So what do you think of that Jowan boy?" She swept her silvery locks behind her pointed ears. "He's kinda cute now that he's not all gangly and awkward." Marie rolled her eyes and returned to her book.

"Oh come on, admit it! I'll be the first to say his voice isn't the loveliest, but have you seen his _hands_?"

"Not in the library! Dear Maker, Surana, you're such a heathen sometimes," Marie giggled as she dragged her friend out of the hearing of the gaggle of young apprentices near them.

"Oh Andraste, speak of the apprentice," Surana gasped through her laughter, pointing down the hall. Jowan was hurrying towards the two of them with a slightly pained look on his face—which, Marie admitted, was not bad looking. It was all she could do not to break into giggles once more at the thought.

"Marie, Neria, I'm glad I found you," he said, slightly out of breath, when he reached them. The distress in his eyes killed Marie's laughter.

"Jowan? What is it?" She felt her extremities going cold as she read the answer on his face.

"I'm sorry, Marie. He's escaped again."

Marie nodded once, fighting back tears and a chill in her heart. He'd broken his promise. Anders was gone.

~oOo~

Marie stood at the door to the dormitory, feeling like she was back at square one. It had been a month this time, a month in solitary. But the month was over and he had been back to normal life for weeks. Over the past days, Marie had noticed the differences that freedom and captivity had wrought in her love. Now he was adorned by mage robes and a feather studded length of apricot cloth, that same scarf he'd worn months ago after his—how many had he gotten up to now? was this really his fifth?—fourth escape. He moved through the apprentices, laughing and joking and accepting congratulations on his recent promotion to mage status. But Marie couldn't bear to go to him. He was different again, still haggard and pale from his solitary confinement, too jumpy. He was trying too hard.

Besides, he had _promised_. And then he'd left. Obviously he had his priorities, and Marie wasn't high on the list. She doubted she'd ever be, when _freedom_ beckoned. His beautiful brown eyes darted across the room and locked with hers. Marie forced herself not to move.

Anders swaggered across the room with his feathery scarf and new mage robes, his hair long but still tied back the same way it always was. But the gleam in his eyes was arrogant, because he knew she had waited for him. He didn't know that she had already grieved for the Anders she had known and loved.

"Marie," he said, and his warm voice was the same, but she didn't like the tone of ownership in his voice.

"Anders." She saw his eyes harden. Marie immediately wanted to melt; he'd just spent a month in _solitary_ for the Maker's sake! But it was just an excuse, even if it was a particularly good one.

"What's wrong with you?" he demanded. "Aren't you glad I'm back?"

"Yes," she replied slowly. "But I'm not going to crawl all over you just to say it."

His face fell and sulky reproach entered his eyes. "I thought you loved me," he muttered.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Marie's voice squeaked up an octave. "Anders, of course I do, but…" She trailed off, not wanting to say the angry words that came to mind. He'd been a _month_ in solitary after all, it wasn't fair to heap more on him.

"But what?" he asked belligerently. Marie could physically feel it when her temper snapped.

"But you're. So. Selfish," she hissed between clenched teeth. She saw the indignation and confusion register in his eyes. _I've dug my hole, may as well bury myself in it_, Marie thought angrily to herself to stem her guilt. "Yes, _selfish_. Who do you spend every minute of the day thinking about? Who do you run away for? I can tell you one thing, it certainly isn't me." She plowed through his protests, continuing, "Do you ever think about the ones who have to wait for you and worry about you every time you do, and think about the whip scars on your back? The ones who wait for weeks, or a month, for you to return, even though you never really do?" Marie paused to catch her breath and turned away, not wanting him to see the tears pricking in her eyes.

"What about your promise, Anders? You said you'd never leave me and you did."

His strong fingers grasped her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. Marie shook her head as much as she was able.

"You gave away the things you loved for this farce you call _freedom_, Anders, and one of them was me." She couldn't suppress a tremor that wracked through her body as she pulled away from him. One last glance at his shocked face nearly undid her. In a soft whisper, she said, "I can't keep watching you hurt yourself, Anders. I'm sorry."

Marie escaped the dormitory and found a corner to collapse in. Her silent sobs shook her thin frame until Neria found her and guided her back to her bed.

"He'll be gone again in two months," Marie muttered flatly as her friend hugged her softly. The elf sighed.

"Yes, he will."

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><p><strong>Please review!<strong>


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